Jealousy

Or success envy mostly.  We saw “Where did you go Bernadette?” yesterday, girls day out with my DIL.  Weird watching that movie with one of us on the Bernadette side of things and the other one just starting out life with my son.  It’s the modern day twist of “Shirley Valentine” of what women go through, the life they pass up for their kids, what they “could have been.”

A little melancholy about it actually, my role is mom/wife/daughter/sister first, Heller is down there somewhere.  I come out more and more the past few years after a 20 year suburban mom stint that was never how I thought my life would be?  Made the effort to join Junior League, tried to “belong” and I never did.  Only women experience this, you just can’t have it all.  Sometimes Walnut Creek makes me feel like I’m a fish out of water, just not a swapping recipes kind of gal.

I had this ornery Aunt Rose who had a ranch in Tombstone and would greet people with a shotgun as they came down her driveway.  She was my grandpa’s sister, never had kids.  There was a time when she moved to California with her new husband and got severely depressed.  Her Dr. deemed her unfit for children and she was part of that sterilization period in California.  Unfit?  Or just homesick away from her family?

Here I have a DIL far from home who’s trying as hard as she can to love it here while our immigration is on a crackdown.  We were supposed to have a wedding in Turkey next week, instead they must have flagged her plane tix then sped up her process by sending her the interview 2 days after the wedding.  We had to cancel, it’s like a dare to go have your official wedding at the risk of being deported if you miss your interview.  I told my son I just don’t think our government is that smart?  With this whole Trump fiasco I’m convinced our whole Gov’t is totally inept.  It’s quite a coincidence though.

We both walked out of the theater yesterday like “ugh.”  What do I tell her?  Run?

No, I love my boys.  Did it suck giving up any career goals I might have had in my 20’s?  Yes.  I got to see my boys through everything, then on this side of things I feel healthy enough to still do what I want to do.  They were my buds, we’d pack the car up for adventure – not the minivan, the Saab convertible.  I passed along my love of volleyball to the oldest, he played all 4 years in college.  My youngest one got my love of golf, neither of which I play anymore.  If I didn’t join in on the housewife realm, I coached their kids for 5 years getting some of them through their home drama that I could relate to.

Would I even have ever been successful?  That’s an unanswered question I’ll never know.   My boat has been a Heller saver, that is me on the water.  When those winds kick up to 30 knots and the waves are splashing on me I’m screaming “WOOHOO!!”  My husband has provided a lifestyle I never imagined I’d have, I certainly wouldn’t have made his income.

When I see other people get published (still no word on the articles I’ve submitted) I definitely get jealous.  Not sure where I’m going with writing?  I write & write.

Like Bernadette, I consider myself an artist…haha.  My dreams are still to have a little studio or house where I can create that’s all my own.  Even with input on this house, my oldest son said, “You should do…” and I said no one gets input, I’m doing the house MY way.

Coming in for a landing soon 🙂  Success or my adventures with my boys??  There’s just no way I would have missed a minute of those boys!!  It went by so fast, there’s still time for me.

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