Day 11: Are we there yet?

Yesterday was just ugly for me, usually I’m one who goes into action in a crisis and then falls apart when it’s all good.  With everyone home and good, it was my turn to finally fall apart and lose hope for all of mankind.

There have been a few instances where I went into “Heller” mode during a crisis – that fire in Mexico would be one.  When it was all over, I told my roommate I was just going to cry that night to de-stress.  I didn’t, but damn was that stressful after the fact!

Another time was a sailing accident on my birthday years ago that wound up fine because I stayed really calm, then completely fell apart.  It was really windy, someone else was at the helm while I was bringing in the main for a downwind gybe.  Normally, you bring it in and ease it out, but he gybed before I could bring it all the way in and the boom went flying across.  That sucker could kill you!!  That’s not the accident I’m referring to though, the Jib (front sail) got twisted from it and I went up to the bow to get it unfurled.  In the meantime, I heard yelling that a bolt was coming loose on the traveler.  The traveler secures the boom and controls the lines for the main.  I immediately went back, turned on the engine and pointed it towards the wind to get the sails down to get the pressure off the sails and that traveler.

It was too late, while everyone was in action the traveler came out of the fiberglass leaving us with a steel 2×4 flying about.  My H had screamed at my non-sailing friends to go below while I was starting the engine.  He was freaked, I stayed calm.  Turned out to be a good thing he did that, he knew it was coming out and I did not.  Once someone was able to grab it, my friends below held the line so it would stop flying about while we got the sails down.  When we got in, I had to report it then do a write up about the accident.

It didn’t occur to me until that night how badly that could have gone on so many levels.  It was really windy, there were swells.  What if it came out while I was up fixing the jib and knocked me off the boat?  No one else on the boat would have been capable of sailing the boat, who knows what would have happened?  The timing, again, was insane.

I cried for two days after that thinking of the possibilities.

One more story about my dog…

When my youngest was about 4, our dog got out.  B was a jumper and a runner, always had to be on leash.  We live a few blocks from a major street that we followed him to when he got out.  My dog training skills had all failed, it was hard to have a dog with two little kids, training went by the wayside.  As he got closer to that street, with a 4 year old right with me, I gave it one last try to come looking him right in the eye.  Being still somewhat of a puppy, he looked at me like we were playing a game, turned and ran right into the middle of the busy street and got hit.  He made it to the other side, then looked me right in the eye again and I made a hand signal to stop but he ran towards me…getting hit AGAIN!!

B made it back across the street somehow, the 3 of us sat on the corner with my arm around my son while petting the dog (Neither car stopped to check on us).  The guy who lived on the corner saw the whole thing and brought his phone out to me.  I called the vet, then the guy sat there petting the dog while I took my son back home to get the car.  We loaded my son then the dog into the car, then I drove to the vet.  When I got him safely there, I collapsed into tears on the floor.

The women at the vet told me, as I was laying on the floor after they took the dog, that they couldn’t believe how calm I was on the phone – almost as if I couldn’t care less.  That dog lived another 10 years, one of the things the vet said after all was said and done that he never went into shock and that might have killed him.  He said if I hadn’t of stayed calm, the dog wouldn’t have made it.

That dog stayed right with me after that, never ran off again.  When we finally had to put him down at the same vet, he was wagging his tail when he got there after laying on the floor all day long with blood eyes and obvious excruciating pain.  I laid on the floor with him all day waiting for the boys before we all went to the vet.  I laid on the floor with him petting him until I knew he was gone, calmly, and then got home and fell apart.  I sure miss that dog!!

Yesterday was my “fall apart” day, knowing we’re on the essential list with kids close by giving me some time to finally lose it.

What makes sense to me right now is just testing everyone, like a test kit with your census in the mail.  Instead, there’s a $2 trillion dollar pay out on the table  supposedly when it could all just be wrapped up by testing while you’re in line for Costco or Trader Joe’s.

I’m not in charge though, which leads me to think the reason why I take charge is cuz I might be a control freak?  This is just out of my control, have to trust people who I hope to God know what they’re doing.



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